Since we have gotten home, life has become even more difficult. With Matt having to go away so soon after arriving back home from the States, the stress from our trip seemed to grow beyond our arrival back home, through the preparations of Matt leaving, and into having him gone; the escalation storming down on us when he returned home on the weekend.
The night before Matt left for this past shift, the family conclusion was made that I am not able to drive or be alone overnight with Jack anymore. Many factors played into this decision; from to increased seizure activity, to how sleepy and loopy (and downright dull) the new cocktail of meds makes me feel; and last but not least, the potential for unpredictable lapses in judgement, caused by taking Valium, helped us see that it was the safest choice.
It was also the most difficult. In addition to trying to find full time help caring for Jack during the day, now we also need someone over night. (That is, when Matt is out-of-town every second week for work). I was devastated. Now, even the smallest amount of care that I could provide for Jack on my own was slipping through my fingers like sand. Time spent getting him up and fed first thing in the morning, and the occasions when he woke up in the middle of the night needing his mommy; time for just the two of us, with no one else in the house; time I had to be a "real" mother; time that I treasured...gone.
So, we had both of our moms, and our dear, dear friend come and spend several nights each with us, as I slept so heavily I didn't even hear Jack when he woke up in the middle of the night. And, when Matt's flight got fogged in, leaving him stranded up North for two more days, these poor, exhausted women, with nothing left to give, came back and gave even more.
I couldn't help but feel like a gigantic burden on everyone.
The day after Matt left, my dog of 11 years, Toby, had to be put to sleep. The day after that, we had gotten word that a friend-of-the-family (once removed), was interested in adopting our sweet, Tasmanian-devil-of-a-dog, Holly. And while the home seemed like the perfect fit, losing two dogs in the span of one week was another rock added to my heavy heart. We scheduled the new owner to come pick Holly up, on their way back to her new home in B.C., for the day Matt's flight was (originally) due to arrive. But as I said earlier, that flight was delayed (and delayed again!), and poor Matt missed getting to say goodbye to the puppy that he loved so much.
My meds have kicked in, as has the latest Herxheimer reaction. I have been putting into practise my learnings in the States about resting even when I desperately want to be doing more, and I think it has been of benefit in more ways than one. Not only am I getting into healthier habits of what my body can handle, I also am suffering much less during this Herx reaction than I would have if I tried to carry on the way I did before. In the past two weeks I have limited myself to one hour-long outing per week, and even they left me in more pain than I could handle.
I have also realised that my OCD and anxiety go hand-in-hand. When I start to feel anxious, it is because my body realises that I cannot continue on the way I have been. But, because my mind wants to finish the job, anxiety builds as I attempt to finish my to-do list in the rapidly-decreasing amount of time that remains before I feel like I’m going to collapse. However, if I push through the anxiety, the OCD kicks into high gear, giving me an energy boost; thus, tricking my body into feeling like I can keep going. The lesson? When I start to feel anxious, I've already over-done it; which is helpful in managing both the anxiety and the pain!
In short, it has been an exhausting, painful, and extremely emotional two weeks; ones that have brought be back to wondering, "why me?" and left me with a weakened resolve. This entire illness seems to go in cycles of me giving-up, only to have God sustain me. And right now, I am in the giving-up phase again. Gratefully, I have not cycled back to this point in quite some time, and hopefully, each cycle will get longer, and the moments of defeat fewer and further between.
Even though I have been feeling depressed and defeated, God has been holding me close and showing me His goodness.
A good friend of mine from college got married last weekend, and with great disappointment, I was not able to go. She came over just the other day, and explained to me that she told her guests about our situation, and that instead of clinking glasses to encourage the bride and groom to kiss, the guests would have to throw money in a jar that they were collecting for us. Here, on the most important day of her life, she was thinking of me! I can't tell you how humbled and overwhelmed we were by their thoughtfulness and generosity.
Yesterday, Jack crawled into bed with me, cuddled in really close to read stories, and filled my heart to overflowing for forty-five whole minutes (breaking his last record by an entire 40 minutes!) with the time I got to spend being his mommy. No gift has been greater than that moment.
I’m getting a glimpse of understanding into the verse,
“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance...” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4)
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance...” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4)
I am so grateful that the two sides intermingle, and that I don’t have to wait until I am better to "build" (relationships), and laugh, and catch glimpses of the joy that is to come (if not in this life, then in the next).
Hoping that you all had a Happy Thanskgiving! And if, for whatever reason, you weren't happy-- I hope you still did some thanks-giving :)
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