The good news is: I have an amazing doctor!
The bad news is: I have begun to have hallucinations.
Here's the story. Since around the time my seizures started back in August, I noticed I was having weird dreams. You know, the kind where you dream that you have woken up, only to have something strange happen to you to make you realise you are, in fact, still dreaming? Well it was those types of dreams. Only, it was taking me a number of times to wake up. And each dream was more realistic than the last. I used to be able to wake up from a dream as soon as I could tell that I was in one.
In these cases, I think I have woken myself up; I can look around my room, etc, but then something will happen that tips me off to know that it is still a dream, and I will "wake up" again. Sometimes I can talk (which must be sleep talking, because I can hear myself), but most times I can't. Since I have returned home and started my new meds, this is happening almost every time I fall asleep. I have also found that my seizure activity has increased in both number and severity.
Monday afternoon, right after I took my lunch meds and half of a Valium tablet, I lay down to rest for about an hour or so. It felt like, for the last half hour, I was struggling desperately to wake up, but I couldn't. I could hear the voices of my family in other parts of the house (saying certain things they later confirmed were not said); I was struggling to move, talk, or do anything. Sometimes I could manage to yell for my husband; other times, I couldn't make a sound. I was over-heating and struggling with my blankets one minute; the next, I had fallen to the floor, only to "wake up" back in my bed again. I "woke up" into one extremely realistic dream after another, close to 15 times, before I actually woke up. Afterwards, I had difficulty making sense of which parts had really happened (none of them), and which hadn't. I was left absolutely terrified. I had felt like I was trapped inside my own body, and I was scared to go to sleep again.
I sent my doctor a fax the very next morning, and within hours received a phone call from her nurse. She asked me a few more questions: if I have had any other type of hallucinations (the answer being yes; auditory hallucinations over the past two weeks, where I have been hearing sounds that aren't really there), and if this was affecting my daily living. I told her I was too scared to go back to sleep for fear I wouldn't wake up again, and she told me that it was good I was responding honestly because they would likely only get worse with time.
SO, an anti-psychosomatic drug has been added to the mix. Scary sounding, isn't it? I feel quite weirded-out about the idea of needing medication to control psychotic behaviours, but grateful as well; grateful that they not only believed me, but also that they knew exactly what I was talking about and had a solution for me. The good news outweighs the bad, I think. I finally have exactly the doctor that I need; one that is knowledgeable, efficient, and understanding of this disease. For someone in my position, I couldn't be more fortunate!
Oh, and there is more good news I saved until the end (a sandwich effect, if you will, for those of you who chose the bad news first): it is my not-so-baby brother's birthday today. If you know me, you know I am big on birthdays. I love having the opportunity to celebrate the very existence of people (especially those whom I love the most!) and Jesse is one of those people that I love the most. He is an inspiration, a source of strength, a reminder of God's faithfulness, and one of my very best friends. Happy birthday, Jesse! I love you more than the world.
I cry to you, LORD;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”
Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me."
Psalm 142: 5-7
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