We're Coming Home!!!

It is with great excitement that I can announce, after four  LONG months, that we are moving home! In almost as swift a fashion as we left in, we are hoping to return with similar speed: this weekend to be exact.

The doctor closer to home is now prepared to work with us! After what seemed like a disappointing initial visit a few weeks back, the wonderful Director of Nursing ended up calling me. She worked through a number of phone calls and text messages to get the information she needed to bring in the proper equipment and train with it. And, as an answer to many more prayers, the doctor agreed to all necessary conditions to make the move a safe and dependable one. (Isn’t God amazing?!)

The appointment with our doctors last Friday went well. Both were pleased with the improvements my health has made during our time here. I was feeling very discouraged recently just how slow progress seemed to be. I know this is supposed to take time, and that I have shown improvement, I guess it was just feeling like the road to recovery was a never ending, almost unchanging, one. My prayer that God would show me how hopeful my progress has been was answered; and even though the road ahead is long, I am encouraged because it will be one surrounded by our family and friends.

I think somewhere in my mind, this time will always be viewed in retrospect as “the year we spent away”. It has been an incredibly long, hard, lonely time; one of healing and renewal; growth in wisdom and relationship with God. I am so very grateful for all of it. For the man who gave our family a fighting chance when he gave us his home; for the privilege to receive treatment that so many are denied; for the kind hospital staff; for our warm, tenacious, hardworking doctor; for the family we have made out of friends.

I don’t do very well with change...even going home is bittersweet. I am going to miss looking off the back porch and seeing farmland just houses away, or how homey the hospital feels here compared to others. But most of all, leaving anyone you love behind is just plain hard to do; whether it’s 3 of them, or 30. My connection here is a powerful one, and I think I will always see it as a home away from home.

I am excited to be settled back in our home; to be able to enjoy our yard ( I never really got to here, as we had a walk-out basement and the stairs were just too many!);  our cool basement; and most of importantly, seeing our friends and family in person once again!! I am certain that some things will feel strange after being gone for so long (I half expect our old pup Holly to be waiting for us there!)

 It feels like when any rite of passage comes to pass-- graduation, giving birth, etc.: after what felt like a never-ending journey full of trials and valleys and wondering if you will ever come out to see the other side, there it is: “already.” No matter how long it felt that it took to get here, now that it is upon us, I suddenly realise I could  I have done it. And that is an amazing feeling! More adventures to come, no doubt. But for now... here’s to the next leg of the race!

Peace and blessings you all,

Kate

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”  

Hebrews 12: 13

Season of Suffering

Baby boy don’t grow up too soon

Your youth isn’t here to stay

I know at times it seems as though

I’m a million miles away

My mind may wander;

My body fails

And my memory, it fades

You may think I don’t want to spend time with you

But that isn’t a choice I have made

Husband love, don’t give up on me

I know this isn’t right

A cause that many choose to flee

You stand your ground and fight

I know this is not the life you dreamed

Our plans have seemed to fail

But I promise if you’ll hold tight to me

Our love, it will prevail.

Body weak, sore and abused;

My Spirit doesn’t understand you

The two of you, though once were fused

Now fail to read each other’s cues

Oh Lord, my God; strength within

I fix my gaze on you

Holding tight to what I know

My strength is all but used

So take my son, my love, my life; all that’s been neglected

And in this time of suffering

May Your Glory be reflected.

A Post in Honour of my Husband on Father’s Day.

Sadly, but not entirely surprising, Matt won’t be here to celebrate Father’s Day this year; his shift-work has kept him working so hard. By the time he comes home, it will be 21 days of the twelve (plus) hour shifts he has been working, with only a single day off in the midst of it.

I wanted to write this because I am the one in the limelight most of the time. I admit-- I put myself there with having a blog and all, writing from my point of view, and usually about me. You all know how I am feeling: physically and emotionally; what goes on in my life on any given day, and how hard this disease has been on me. But there is one who goes without credit, and I think I ought to give credit where it is due.

Anyone who has met my husband can tell you from even the briefest of encounters that he is friendly, humble, kind, genuine, and hard working. (And yes, even in the briefest of meetings you will recognise the latter; he does not stop “pitching in”, wherever he may be!)

When we went down to the States, and we got the boys tested, Matt came back positive with Bartonella: “Cat Scratch Disease” (that can be contracted from a cat, like he did, or from a tick, like I did ). Only some of the very closest to him have seen how this has slowed him down. No one else would believe that it has. As a matter of fact, our neighbour friends just asked the other day when Matt was going to start his treatment. They were so impressed that he had been caring for us so hard while he was sick. They were SO surprised to hear that he has been in treatment all this time; Herxing, working, and coming home to care for Jack and I through it all.

I had a friend ask me the other day how I would do this on my own, and my answer was: I couldn’t. Without Matthew, I would have been dead a long time ago. He literally does EVERYTHING for me: from providing financially, to organising my doctor’s appointments, to compiling spreadsheets of the supplements and drugs I am on so that he can fill a week’s worth of dosettes that I may have every last pill correct. He is responsible for the roof over my head, the food I eat, the medicine I take, the caregiver I have, and best of all, most important of all—my inspiration to fight: our son. His job goes beyond being a “single parent”; beyond caregiver; beyond hard-overtime-working employee. He is more than my coach; my nurse; our housekeeper; our cook. More importantly than being my advocate; my memory; my rock; he is my husband, and the most WONDERFUL father to Jack.

If any of you wonder how I can manage this fight, it is because God gave me Matthew; and together, they gave me our son, and the four of us, well, we can’t be beat.

This is for my unsung hero. My Knight in Plaid Armor ;) The man behind it all. You are such an incredible example for so many, and Jack is so fortunate that you are his example of a father. He is blessed to have a man like you, fighting for his mommy, and for him, everyday of your life. And I am too.

Happy Father’s Day, Matthew. We love you with all our hearts <3 <3

xoxo

Kate   & Jack

 "For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him." Genesis 18:19

All's Well That Ends Well

I don’t usually care to write until I have all the facts in place, and right now I do not. But I think that is why I need to write; because the lack of details is driving me crazy, and prayers for peace in the unknown are greatly needed.

Saturday we made the LONG trip home to Edmonton. Before we moved, back in February, we caught wind of a doctor just outside of Edmonton who was willing to help us once we got established with the IV meds. As per our doctor’s recommendation, we decided to make a trip back to “feel out” the opportunity and see what kind of foundation can be laid to hopefully begin the slow process of coming back home.

Jack and Mommy at Bass Pro Shops in Airdrie where we stopped for lunch

As much as I don’t mind it down South (the beautiful home we are in, the family helping us that has become our own...) I have been getting increasingly homesick. A couple of weeks ago, for the first time since I started my IV therapy, I had that defeated feeling of, “how much longer is this going to take?!” The feeling of no-end-in-sight really taps the hope reservoir, I must say. If anything, this time and this trip especially are putting my focus back on how much more I need to rely on God. No matter where I am, who I am with, how I feel, what I can do, one thing remains the same: God. And I need to remember that He is, (and allow Him to be), enough.  In fact, when I let go of the reigns and allow Him to be all I need, I always find Him to be MORE than enough; those have been some of the greatest (though usually most painful) times in my life; when the head knowledge is transferred into heart knowledge, and I can step back far enough to let God be enough for me.

Our attempt to connect with the small town doctor was less than successful. He had to travel home to his motherland where his ailing father is dying. But, (we were told), everything was “set up” for us to come anyway. However, when we arrived, no one knew what we were talking about. Worse: they didn’t have a clue how to do a dressing change on a port-a-cath. Some phone calls were made by a very compassionate nurse, and we were told to try a hospital in the city. So we packed my aching bones back into the car and drove for nearly an hour longer.

When we got there, the emergency room was FULL. Thank goodness for the triage nurse! I was given a mask (so I wouldn’t catch anything while I was waiting), and as hot and uncomfortable as it was, I was so grateful as I sat amidst a choir of coughers. The nurse worked her rear end off for us until we were finally sent up to the IV clinic. 

The nurses there, while polite and accommodating, did not use the same procedures as I am used to (dare I say, back “home”??) It was the most painful port access to date, and I had to fight the urge to simultaneously swear and punch somebody. The clinic agreed to see me again next week if I still couldn't get in with my prior arrangements (I suppose it was a good thing I restrained myself despite the pain!) So, prayer number one was answered: we didn’t have to turn around and drive right back! And now, we even get to stay a little longer to figure out if this other doctor comes back, and how he plans on helping us.

I suppose this could all sound very positive right now. In all honesty, I can’t say I feel that way. I am struggling with giving my worries up to God; worries that the doctor nearby won’t be able to take us on; worries that I will have to spend my entire treatment far away from home and the ones I love.

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions, as is hard to focus on worries with loved ones around (though I am half sure when it is time to go home I will have to be carried away, kicking and screaming!). My younger brother and his wife welcomed their first son, (and my first nephew), into the world only 3 days before we were scheduled to make our trip—another answered prayer! If the only thing I get out of this trip was getting to meet my godson and stare into his sweet baby eyes, it will be beyond worthwhile! It is very unusual for me (this is my first time becoming an aunt on my side of the family), and I can’t imagine loving that sweet little baby more. Holding him was like a fresh breath of spring air to soothe my weary heart. I have wanted another baby of my own for so long (probably since Jack was around 6 months old), and I am so grateful to find such fulfillment in holding my godson (vs. the usual desperate prayer for another of my own).  What a blessing to have that hunger filled; what a gift to have someone so special occupy such a profound place in my heart. He is a hope to hold onto; a joy in the darkness of this disease! And he is a fascination for Jack, who just adores his younger cousin.

Best Cousins: First embrace <3

As my heart flounders back and forth, between worry and joy, I would hope that I could solicit some of your valued prayers (my intentions being):

-         A deeper trust in God’s plan for my life;

-         Contentment, and peace, regardless of where I am living;

-         Gratitude for the treatment I am getting (I really am so fortunate); and,

-         The strength to keep on going.

I don’t want to worry over things I cannot change. I want so badly to come home; but I want even more to be where God wants me to be, and to be getting the best care I can. If that means going back South for longer than we had planned, then-- so help me God-- I will go.

I wish I could throw a big party and see you all while we are here; that we could drink red wine and eat good food and enjoy a summers evening and eachother’s company. I am limited now more than ever before, and am busy trying my best to simply stay awake long enough to get a few visits in with the family before we make our way back. But one day...one day-- there will be a party ;) I promise!

Plenty of love, and many, many prayers,

Kate

 “There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

    a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

     a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

     a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

“So do not be ashamed...Rather, join with me in suffering... He has saved us and called us to a holy life—- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day."

2 Timothy 1:8-9, 12