All's Well That Ends Well

I don’t usually care to write until I have all the facts in place, and right now I do not. But I think that is why I need to write; because the lack of details is driving me crazy, and prayers for peace in the unknown are greatly needed.

Saturday we made the LONG trip home to Edmonton. Before we moved, back in February, we caught wind of a doctor just outside of Edmonton who was willing to help us once we got established with the IV meds. As per our doctor’s recommendation, we decided to make a trip back to “feel out” the opportunity and see what kind of foundation can be laid to hopefully begin the slow process of coming back home.

Jack and Mommy at Bass Pro Shops in Airdrie where we stopped for lunch

As much as I don’t mind it down South (the beautiful home we are in, the family helping us that has become our own...) I have been getting increasingly homesick. A couple of weeks ago, for the first time since I started my IV therapy, I had that defeated feeling of, “how much longer is this going to take?!” The feeling of no-end-in-sight really taps the hope reservoir, I must say. If anything, this time and this trip especially are putting my focus back on how much more I need to rely on God. No matter where I am, who I am with, how I feel, what I can do, one thing remains the same: God. And I need to remember that He is, (and allow Him to be), enough.  In fact, when I let go of the reigns and allow Him to be all I need, I always find Him to be MORE than enough; those have been some of the greatest (though usually most painful) times in my life; when the head knowledge is transferred into heart knowledge, and I can step back far enough to let God be enough for me.

Our attempt to connect with the small town doctor was less than successful. He had to travel home to his motherland where his ailing father is dying. But, (we were told), everything was “set up” for us to come anyway. However, when we arrived, no one knew what we were talking about. Worse: they didn’t have a clue how to do a dressing change on a port-a-cath. Some phone calls were made by a very compassionate nurse, and we were told to try a hospital in the city. So we packed my aching bones back into the car and drove for nearly an hour longer.

When we got there, the emergency room was FULL. Thank goodness for the triage nurse! I was given a mask (so I wouldn’t catch anything while I was waiting), and as hot and uncomfortable as it was, I was so grateful as I sat amidst a choir of coughers. The nurse worked her rear end off for us until we were finally sent up to the IV clinic. 

The nurses there, while polite and accommodating, did not use the same procedures as I am used to (dare I say, back “home”??) It was the most painful port access to date, and I had to fight the urge to simultaneously swear and punch somebody. The clinic agreed to see me again next week if I still couldn't get in with my prior arrangements (I suppose it was a good thing I restrained myself despite the pain!) So, prayer number one was answered: we didn’t have to turn around and drive right back! And now, we even get to stay a little longer to figure out if this other doctor comes back, and how he plans on helping us.

I suppose this could all sound very positive right now. In all honesty, I can’t say I feel that way. I am struggling with giving my worries up to God; worries that the doctor nearby won’t be able to take us on; worries that I will have to spend my entire treatment far away from home and the ones I love.

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions, as is hard to focus on worries with loved ones around (though I am half sure when it is time to go home I will have to be carried away, kicking and screaming!). My younger brother and his wife welcomed their first son, (and my first nephew), into the world only 3 days before we were scheduled to make our trip—another answered prayer! If the only thing I get out of this trip was getting to meet my godson and stare into his sweet baby eyes, it will be beyond worthwhile! It is very unusual for me (this is my first time becoming an aunt on my side of the family), and I can’t imagine loving that sweet little baby more. Holding him was like a fresh breath of spring air to soothe my weary heart. I have wanted another baby of my own for so long (probably since Jack was around 6 months old), and I am so grateful to find such fulfillment in holding my godson (vs. the usual desperate prayer for another of my own).  What a blessing to have that hunger filled; what a gift to have someone so special occupy such a profound place in my heart. He is a hope to hold onto; a joy in the darkness of this disease! And he is a fascination for Jack, who just adores his younger cousin.

Best Cousins: First embrace <3

As my heart flounders back and forth, between worry and joy, I would hope that I could solicit some of your valued prayers (my intentions being):

-         A deeper trust in God’s plan for my life;

-         Contentment, and peace, regardless of where I am living;

-         Gratitude for the treatment I am getting (I really am so fortunate); and,

-         The strength to keep on going.

I don’t want to worry over things I cannot change. I want so badly to come home; but I want even more to be where God wants me to be, and to be getting the best care I can. If that means going back South for longer than we had planned, then-- so help me God-- I will go.

I wish I could throw a big party and see you all while we are here; that we could drink red wine and eat good food and enjoy a summers evening and eachother’s company. I am limited now more than ever before, and am busy trying my best to simply stay awake long enough to get a few visits in with the family before we make our way back. But one day...one day-- there will be a party ;) I promise!

Plenty of love, and many, many prayers,

Kate

 “There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

    a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

     a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

     a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

“So do not be ashamed...Rather, join with me in suffering... He has saved us and called us to a holy life—- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day."

2 Timothy 1:8-9, 12