I ended my last post with the promise of one to follow shortly. A lot has taken place since we got back from our trip down south. After I recovered from surgery, I was feeling better than I had in a long time! I had several good days, and a few that were almost normal they were so productive! Each detail, from getting out of bed and dressed, to cleaning up after myself, were triumphs; and for two days in a row, one major accomplishment after another occurred, surprising everyone (maybe me, most of all)!

Usually when I am lying in bed, something keeps me from moving. Pain; fatigue; a lack of motivation due to depression, or my body just plain telling me it can’t. But by the afternoon of Matt’s last day of vacation, as I lay there thinking, I felt a surge of motivation. Seizing it while it lasted, I got up and dressed; and after ages of being unable to (even with Matt’s assistance), I took out the sewing machine, and mended two long-awaited projects. I put it away, presented an overwhelmingly grateful child with his mended treasures, and moved on to the next thing that was on my “To Do” list: Towels. Stinky, musty, towels. I went through the entire linen closet-- smelling, tossing, and sorting as I went. When I had my pile of clean-yet-stale towels ready, I carried the load downstairs and began the process of stripping them: one full cycle on HOT with a cup of vinegar, followed by another full cycle-- this time using a ½ cup baking soda. (Side note: it worked! All but one baby washcloth was rid of its musty smell, and we have wonderfully fresh towels again! Thank-you, Pinterest! ) While waiting for the laundry to run its course, I stood at the wash basin and dyed a pair of Jack’s once-navy shorts,  getting them ready to pack them for the next child’s use. I hauled all the wet laundry upstairs, and Matt and I, along with Jack’s “help”, hung everything out on the line to dry.

Project #3: Jack’s coat hooks. We purchased wooden hooks for Jack’s room awhile back, and I

He's excited about his new coat rack, too!

really wanted to paint the knobs different primary colors before hanging them at his level (making them attractive and easier for him to pick up after himself); SO, I got them out along with the paints, and set to it! Even painting something as simple as coat hooks makes me feel all excited inside from being creative! I finished up, cleaned up the paints and my brushes, and moved on to Jack’s room. His poor dresser (once mine) had been rapidly deteriorating for months, until finally we were able to get our hands on a great deal through Kijiji. Matt moved the matching one belonging to his ‘big boy’ set upstairs from the nanny’s room (where it lived while Jack’s room was still a nursery), and set the new one up downstairs. After moving all of Jack’s clothes over, and organizing it “just so”, I got out a cloth and proceeded to dust the dresser… and then the rest of his furniture…and then on to the living room! My usual routine of being bright eyed and bushy tailed in the wee hours of the morning was not the case that day-- not after all that work! By 10:00 pm I was exhausted, and entirely satisfied with the progress I’d made.

As if the day before wasn’t productive enough, I had to be up and ready to go for my dressing change the next afternoon. My mother-in-law informed me that a presentation was being put on by the radio station to raise funds for The Canadian Lyme Foundation; and I was asked to review the interview questions. My first reaction was to balk at the idea. Anytime someone asks me about Lyme I see it as the big picture, and have difficulty putting what it is exactly into words, especially to someone who hasn’t heard of it before. It isn’t just a tick bite, or a list of symptoms to me—it is my life. My shattered hopes and dreams; my strength found again. But after reading what was already typed up, the wheels started turning, and my mother-in-law and I were able to bounce ideas off of each other. While she drove, I wrote, and by the time we returned home we had a mock up of what I would later refine and type up for her to present with a team of advocates in the coming days.

When we got home, Jack joined Mommy and Grandma to pick fresh apples-- ripe and ready to eat-- right off the tree. And after dinner, when I should have been ready to collapse for the rest of the night, I stood out on the back porch and cut my son’s hair (a task he really hates!) convincing and coercing until the job was done, and he was in the bath winding down for the night. And then, for the first time in a very long time, I was able to carry out his entire bedtime routine, to completion, all by myself. It was a taste of everything I have worked towards—my hopes slowly becoming reality, one moment at a time.

Still ticked off about his haircut!

While the monotony of reading one chore after the next may only be second to actually doing them yourself, days like the two of those (especially in a row!) come so few and far between, I relish them so! Even fragments of days like those open up the skies and let the light in a little brighter. Because some days, getting up to go to the bathroom is a chore; getting dressed seems irrelevant; and my “To Do” list? But a dream. It is so reassuring to know, in the midst of a disease that can strip one’s motivation and self-assurance, that I still am me: a hardworking, creative, nurturing person—and that reminder is a gift so great . It adds to the piercing light at the end of this tunnel; calling my name; whispering promises of what lies ahead.

My goofy boy growing up MUCH too fast!!!

And while the light is still there, beckoning me, it flickers a little further in the distance these days. For as quickly as I went from dragging my feet to dancing, I am floored once again. Last week was a week of many changes: We hired a new nanny, Jack started preschool, and I switched IV meds for the first time in almost a year. It is a precarious time: one of uncertainty, excitement, and bone-breaking pain. We are learning to let go of the old-- our beloved caregiver, Jack’s babyhood, and my growing sense of comfort; and we are moving forward into growth, new friendships, and a renewed sense of determination in this fight. Although if I am completely honest right now, after feeling so well, it is more disappointment than determination I’m feeling at the moment. So, until my feelings collide with the intentions of my meds (to kick the life out of this disease once and for all!) I will hang tight to Jesus, focus on all of the other transformations taking place, and try to see the good in all of them (like attending Jack’s first morning of preschool—mid-herx and all!)

Thank-you, as always, for your prayers. You hold a special place in ours as well!

Blessings,

Kate

“Protect me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
    I have no good apart from you.”

Therefore my heart is glad, and my soul rejoices;
    my body also rests secure.
 You show me the path of life.
    In your presence there is fullness of joy”

Psalm 16:1-2, 9, 11

 “I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.”

Philippians 4:12

“Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence…”

 Psalm 42:5-6