I have basically been waiting on news of when my surgery would be rescheduled to post anything new. Between our doctor going on vacation, waiting for me to heal, and finding a date that works with Matt’s schedule, we have finally arrived at a time slot! In just a few short days—this Monday, May 12^th to be exact, I will be getting my replacement Hickman put in.  

There was a time in all of this waiting when I began to hope for a PICC line instead—and in fact, would still prefer one—but it is trained nurses that insert them now, not surgeons; and once they heard that I had four previous lines fail, they refused to take me on. My hopes dashed; I am left standing on this slow escalator, moving toward one of the very things that repulses me the most—unable to get off.  It is a double-edged sword, this catheter: one that I so desperately wish I could get out of needing; and yet, something I can’t wait to have over and done with, so my treatment can get back on track, and I can start making progress again.

This past month of five without IV antibiotics I have deteriorated even further than the last. My memory is getting so bad it scares me sometimes; my pain has kept me from having visitors almost exclusively since Christmas; and things that I was just starting to get used to being able to do I have had to give up once again. I am ready to start fighting back against this disease that has reminded me, almost full-force, what it has taken from me.

The birthday boy and his new scooter!

On the bright side, I did manage to get a temporary IV placed and running for over a week (they usually only last three days) starting just before Easter. It made a huge difference in what I was able to do physically, even though the anxiety and insomnia remained prevalent. I was able to celebrate Easter with my family: attend church, bake buns, and share dinner at my parents’ house. It was a long, but wonderful, day! The weekend that followed was Jack’s 4^th birthday, which I had started planning months ago (something I have to do in order to get everything done!) We decided on a house party for this year expecting that I would feel well enough to execute it.  I did not, and It was overwhelming, to say the least. We were so much wiser last year in renting a place!

 There were things that, even last fall, I would have been able to manage; but had to let go of one plan after another as I (once again) came to terms with the fact that my capabilities were not what they used to be; Lenten and Easter activities with Jack; birthday party details; play dates, and the like. My list rapidly became shorter, and priorities clearer. I was brought back to a time in my illness where I had to say no to so much more than I had grown used to in my recovering health; only now, I am not so used to it, and the coping mechanisms had since shut down, failing to serve me when I need them to most. Acceptance is harder to come by these days; and if I am honest, many days when I feel the worst of it, so is hope.  Luckily I had an amazing team of helpers to pull it all off, and I was able to be there for Jack’s classroom “party” (at school), as well as move and mingle and celebrate Jack’s big day with him. And, it was all worth it; for at the end, he told me it was his, “best birthday EVER!!!”

He even scored his first goal!

This week, despite how I felt, I managed to force myself outside.  There are times when mental health outweighs the physical, and many of these situations were just that; the others were born of necessity; and a few came from just plain stubbornness that I am as sick as I feel.  The first: Jack’s measles booster that I couldn’t find someone to take us to; and the subsequent trip for ice cream as a reward for such bravery (and he was— SO brave!) I drove us where we needed to go: not far, but the farthest I have driven yet! That evening, I had the assistance and support of my dad as we attended Jack’s first soccer game. I could have stayed home, too tired, but I refused to miss such a milestone. And while I pushed through my physical strains, I am very lucky they didn’t backfire on me completely! It was a gorgeous evening, and I am so grateful I was able to go.

Two more milestones: yesterday, I drove again, taking Jack along solo (no nanny or relative this time!) as I introduced Jack to Matt’s and my love for garage sale-ing.  I think I have him hooked! The second major feat in our excursion: grocery shopping by myself for the first time in years; and not just without assistance, but with Jack in tow! I relished every “normal” moment, from choosing produce together, down to him throwing marshmallows into the cart (against my wishes)! There were even a few other errands in between (mailbox, drugstore, a clothing return); and came home exhausted and elated with all of the quality time I got to spend with my son. It was the best Mother’s Day gift I ever could have asked for!     

                                

To all of you mothers, grandmothers, and godmothers, to those of you who are missing their mothers, and those of you who are a mother to many by heart but not by name: I wish you a very special day tomorrow!

As for us, we will be having our celebration in the morning before we start the drive down!

Blessings and love,

Kate 

“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.

 I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

Genesis 28:15