Welcome to my blog! This is the first of I don't know how many attempts to keep the people I love connected and informed. So here we go...

I read a quote today: "depression is anger turned inward," and it struck a chord with me. I've been feeling very angry lately; and the combination of Matt working out-of-town, coupled with my desire to stay positive about what life has dealt me, has left me turning my anger inward, so to speak.

I finally got up the guts to watch "Under Our Skin," a documentary on sufferers of Lyme disease. I was prepared to have a difficult time watching it, having been warned that I wouldn't likely be able to view it all in one sitting. My ever-so-gracious sister-in-law offered to watch it with me, but at the last minute I chickened out; I was afraid to watch it alone, but the thought of potentially falling apart in front of someone was even scarier for me. So, I prayed a rosary that God would guard my heart, and dove in with Him instead.

Before I go any further, let me just say: please don't watch it. It was horrific. I think the horror lay somewhere between hearing the truth about what Lyme disease is capable of,  and actually seeing how hard the battle is to regain one's health. And while I am all for being informed (especially since this is happening to me), I couldn't bear to watch others suffer like that. It made me scared. Even more so, it made me angry.

Angry that I have to share my body with such a selfless, heartless, merciless being. That is what we're dealing with: an intelligent, deceitful, harmful being. One that uses its little spiral form to drill into every place it can; not bound by blood but forcing its way through tissue and cartilage and bone. It makes me sick to think of.

And if it were something that the majority of doctors, or society, or scientists knew what it is and does and how it can be stopped, it might not make it so bad. But the truth is being ignored, and lives are being taken away. You can fight, but not too loud-- you might get your doctor in trouble for treating you. It is ridiculous.

The other thing that struck me about the documentary was this: I am so lucky. I can sit here and worry and mope and fret about the possibility of not being able to have any more children, or I can look at the beautiful one that I have and see how lucky I am to have had the opportunity to be a mother at all. Same goes for my marriage. It has not for one minute gone the way my girlish dreams imagined; and yet, I have a wonderful husband. I can't do many things with our friends that I wish I could...but even still, I have the most amazing friends. And there it is-- the light in all this darkness. Blessings that may have gone under-appreciated; relationships that may have gone unformed; life that may have just slipped by.

I know that it is normal and healthy to feel anger, and I know that it will be a part of the roller coaster of a battle with Lyme. But if just for right now, I am going to be grateful for all of the people that create the "ups" in my life, and make this battle worth fighting. (Thank-you).